For Such a Time As This

I came across the picture today just after I had a conversation with a friend about what life was like before cell phones.  We ONLY had one phone.  One phone in a public area of our house; no privacy, no pictures, no texting. Just talking.  There was no voice mail. I still do not know how we survived having to wait to talk to someone until we arrived home. This was also a time when we wrote letters needing to wait days or weeks for a response.  If I don’t get a response to my text  in under 3 seconds now I am feeling impatient. Just a few moments ago I was talking on my cell phone (speaker) while using the same phone to scan a picture sitting in my wifi enabled printer upstairs while typing on this computer  to download the picture that was just scanned to be able to upload to this blog.  Wow.

With the amazing advances in technology there has been drawbacks to our interactions as humans, neighbors, colleagues and friends.  We can easily tap an angry face on social media now to share our outrage to a situation rather than persuasively and eloquently sharing our opinion with words.  I personally do not want to imagine life without my smart phone but thankfully I love words, love talking, writing and love hearing the stories of others. So, fun to reminisce about simpler days, ponder on how we’d communicate with ONLY one house phone and be grateful for technology, America and the times in which I am allowed to be alive in. Oh…heard a beep, gotta run….

I know that everyone has their own unique journey that has made them who they are today; beginning with their genetic make-up passed on to them from their parents and then every experience good and bad goes into creating who they are today. Who you are. Who I am. I talk about this daily and I believe this yet there are still times when people surprise me…when an adult can behave in such inappropriate ways in front of guests, in front of children and not see anything wrong with their behavior. People often respond to life’s challenges the way they saw it modeled when they grew up-children learn what they live-it is true. I grew up in a family that expected and taught me to show respect for others, for everyone and it is beyond me to understand how people can treat another human being so rudely. How a person doesn’t even know that they should be embarrassed by their behavior. So many thoughts tonight; nature vs. nurture, spiritually alive vs. spiritually dead, addictions vs sobriety, family,poverty,hope vs. hopelessness, love and faith and God.

I look back to my 4 year old self and love the innocence of youth I can see in my smile. So tonight I will continue to ponder and accept that we each have our own story and I will remain grateful for my story, for the genes that were woven into my every cell, for the expectation of respect that was modeled for me and the love I will strive to have for every person whose path crosses mine.

Do you wake every morning feeling you were created to do what you are doing? I am blessed to say I do. Serving those who have served our country.  Teaching, educating, listening and sometimes just really hearing the heart of those who are willing to allow me into their pains, joys, and memories. 

Watching a broken heart heal is something pretty miraculous. Watching relationships restored and joy return after years of numbing faking smiles  always inspires me, always heals my wounds just a little more too.  God has taken my brokenness and broken  dreams on this journey of healing and offered me hope that I might in turn offer the same for others.

This week I was reminded that to be called into a career does NOT mean that everyday is full of Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory type fun and that I actually  may discover that not everyone believes, like I believe, that I was meant and sent to serve them and will only do my best to walk with them into a life of wholeness and healing. So, I will tell you as I tell myself, “Press On!” and I will wake up tomorrow, thank God for another day and go into my world, my career, my calling and know that I have been called to serve those who have served this great country.

Writing with the glow of this phone tonight. The generator is running powering my fan on the other side of the net so I could turn the light on if I wanted.I’d rather not draw in any more mosquitoes just in case one is flying around the neighborhood with the dreaded malaria disease. Especially as I am without my 99% Deet right now. Just can’t re-apply after my final bucket bath for the night.
I have been blessed to have a ride up the mountain to the school (and church on Sunday) every day only having to walk down the mountain for the past 3 days. My calf muscles aren’t hurting anymore so that’s nice. I imagine I will get the opportunity to walk up Bellevue Mountain once before this week is over and place my feet in the steps that potentially 500 students have walked to attend a school that God built.
This mountain top once used mostly for voodoo ceremonies just 5 years ago now used solely by God. There is not only a school but a full clinic and pharmacy. God brought a full time occupational therapist and they also offer mental health services. They are set up to care for children following surgery as well as an area for dental services when God brings His dental workers.
It is amazing how many talented professionals God called to leave a paying job to serve without pay. On a mountain for His children needing God’s love. And healing.
I watched teachers truly teaching with the bare minimum of supplies and children truly learning who may never attend school if not for this school founded by God through one young lady who obeyed the heart of God. She walked up this mountain only to see a hungry little girl. And a tree.
I’ve seen “the tree” and the little girl now a beautiful and amazing young lady herself.
My journey here began with a book. A true story that captured my attention and once I read it I could not look away and pretend I didn’t know about children in slavery.
I am so blessed to be here. Not just here surrounded by a mosquito net but here at the base of this mountain. The heat and humidity is intense for this northern Wisconsin Grandma yet I know God has guided me here for His glory and purpose to join Him in the work He is already doing rescuing and healing-one beautiful child at a time.
Off to sleep safe within my net to the hum of the best gifts here; a running generator and a purring fan.
Good night from Haiti. Until the rooster cockadoodledoos. At 4am.

Transition. From electricity without fail(for the most part) to electricity sporadically with the hope that you can have at least a running fan.
Transition. From springtime temperatures to a hot and humid heat offering little relief in the shade.(did I mention it is hot?)
Transition. From running water and showers to cisterns and bucket baths.
Transition. From road construction areas to roads that badly need road construction.
Transition. From working along side of others who work for a living and earning a salary to working along side those who have chosen to work without pay and actually have to ask others to financially support them so that they can work to serve others in a third world country.
Tomorrow I look forward to teaching mental health expecting God to be the ultimate translator breaking through cultural and language barriers with the goal of healing hearts and minds.

I love this transition into Haiti even IF the air is so thick I feel I struggle to breath at times. I love that God has taken my heartaches and loss and then healing to now allow me the opportunity to serve others that they too may find the same.

Yes! And I am willing to travel into a third world country to teach on mental health, mental illness and offer hope for healing. There is a biological basis for mental illnesses and I began to wonder if this message is clear right here in the U.S.A.
I am grateful that God has used my heartache and loss to now be able to serve and guide others out of their pain and darkness.

These lyrics speak my heart today and Cece Winans sings it better than I ever could! My apologize if you get a few second commercial before she starts singing.  😦

Songwriters

Read more: Greg Long – Mercy Said No Lyrics | MetroLyrics

“He’s being cremated, I don’t know if it’s the right decision but it has been decided”,  I had never heard these words before, well not for a loved one of mine. Cremated. How do you say good-bye and find closure when there is no body to see and gaze upon and say “good-bye” to…I must discover this…soon.
Today happens to be February 8th and this days always brings with it the echo of my big brother Mike calling me before I got the chance to call him and hear his deep voice singing, “Happy Birthday to me…happy birthday to me..” then his voice trails off in my mind as it has been over 13 years since I heard him sing or speak. Mike left this earth unexpectedly too early and too young and I look forward to our reunion in heaven.
I recall standing back and seeing our father peer into the homemade casket as he hadn’t seen Mike for nearly 30 years. He told me later he couldn’t quite see the four year old boy he last saw in the face of the 43 year old laying there void of life that Autumn day.
Mike and I were blessed to have been raised by an amazing dad who gave us his name and stood before a judge with his wife and called us their own. Our dad and our father sadly peered into the casket that day. This man was our father, our biological father, the man who will be cremated tomorrow morning.
I often think of my two fathers; both World War II veterans, same age, both lost their hearing as they aged requiring me to talk very loudly to them both. In the end both had a mind that slowly began to leave us prior to the final beats of their hearts. To the dad who chose me, loved and raised me since I was 12 months old I said my good-bye to over 6 years ago.
I am grateful for the years I’ve had to get to know the man who gave me my English, Danish, and Irish heritage. As he may not have had too many memories of me he would repeat the few he had including recalling how I would stare at all the Christmas tree lights when they brought me home from the hospital as I was born in Chicago two days before Christmas. He also recalled how I didn’t smile much as a baby; that surprised me as I was always told I didn’t smile much when Mike and I arrived to our new foster family on my first birthday.

Only God knows what that means but I love to smile now, well, other than today maybe.
I’m gazing now at our beautiful white orchid that finally bloomed Saturday evening. We’d been waiting months for new buds and then weeks before the first was willing to open Saturday night. Interesting…it was the following morning, early Sunday morning my father took his last peaceful breath in his sleep. As the orchid bloomed my father was leaving this earth. What a beautiful gift of beauty God has offered to me this week.

I will never again gaze upon my father yet I have the memory of our last visit as he ate one of my husband’s cookies which he loved. As I left him that day he told me how happy he was that he ran into me that day. Words to further confirm he didn’t know me or that I drove to see him specifically at the Veteran’s home and yes, bring him cookies. That day, with the cookie in his hand, is the picture I have in my mind to remember and say my good-bye to …and that is OK.

Blurred as memories tend to go…

In two days I will be finding my first step of closure as I gaze upon his empty room and upon the few earthly belongings he left behind. I will have the pictures, the memories and those memories he had of me now tucked neatly in my heart. No, he didn’t raise me, or walk me down the aisle, or guide, love and discipline me as my dad did. Yet, God allowed him to be my father. As I continue on this journey I carry a piece of him and the heritage he passed on to me and I will be grateful for him and for the years we had.
I long for the warmth of spring time and know that my final good-bye will be as the sound of taps is playing, the flag will be folded and rifles will be shot honoring his military service during the Second World War.

Tonight the snow continues to fall on this cold February day as I celebrate the day my brother entered this world, grieve the end of my father’s life and gaze upon an orchid in full bloom reminding me of the beauty and brevity of life on this earth. And yes, I will smile again.

Me and my mom

Recently I came across one of my writings from January 1, 2003. The  hours prior on Dec 31st of 2002 ended with so many question marks for my future; I so desired to see my children find joy once again, I was mourning the loss of my brother and I desired to be a wife – again.  I recall how alone I felt in the minutes before midnight as I drove the short distance from my home to a local venue with live music just to surround myself with happy people and laughter even if I didn’t know anyone.  As the S. American band took a break and played their pre-recorded music over the speakers I experienced a  divine appointment on the dance floor that allowed me to hear a message from God …

January 1, 2003

I brought the New Year in by listening to a live band with a “big band” sound. I was hoping to watch couples dance the “old fashioned” way where a man and woman step in tandem and he occasionally twirls her around and they look like they’ve danced like that for years. No one apparently dances that way anymore and though the music was exceptional I wasn’t witness to couples flowing around the dance floor.
Not long after midnight officially in the year of 2003 I was asked to dance by an older gentleman to a song that was of a slower beat. Though I wasn’t sure of his style of dance and there was only one other couple on the dance floor I could not turn him down. I was pleasantly surprised when he began to lead me in a dance that I was longing to see in this night. If a woman has ever been led on a dance floor by a graceful and patient partner she will know what I felt like. I soon realized that I only had to relax in his embrace and allow him to guide the direction of our steps. Sometimes I found myself stepping backward sometimes forward with our feet within inches from each other though never touching. At one point he changed his hold on my extended hand though I wasn’t sure why. Within a few steps I realized the answer when he stepped back from me and turned himself around. My arm was outstretched and I didn’t know what to do with it so I kept it there for all of a second which seemed like minutes when he turned around to grasp my hand once again realizing that somehow we rarely separated at all. He then somehow gently guided me to spin around all the while holding on to his hands as I ended up standing directly beside him as we stepped now together in the same direction. Next he turned me back and placed me in his arms as we had originally been. This gentle-man repeated the steps until one point I was sure what step was to come next and I decided to step into it. It was only then that our flow was interrupted. Apparently it was not the step he intended and my effort at that moment made a break in the gracefulness that we had together up to that point. He kindly spoke only three words; “let me lead”.  The song continued and I noticed briefly that we were being watched by others – I knew then that I had become the dance that I was longing to witness in that night. No one else flowed and spun around with gracefulness as we did in those moments. I quickly learned the wisdom in allowing my dance partner to assume his role in directing my steps. He showed his confidence and experience as I followed his lead.
Upon returning home I thought of the feel of being guided in every step and then I could hear his kind words with no hint of complaint saying … “let me lead”.  I knew then that this dance I began this New Year with was God’s message to me. My Creator and Savior knows each step I am to take in this coming year and He is asking that I follow His lead. I know that He has already perfectly choreographed each step and each turn. I know that within His embrace He will gently guide me through each step. There may be times when His hand may appear out of reach but I must remember that I am always within His grasp. I also saw the lesson in not stepping where I am assuming He is taking me before He reveals His plan. I felt the awkwardness of the dance in the moment that I chose to step where I assumed I should go. If I should be so bold – or naïve – in this coming year to go in a direction that God has yet to show me I am certain that I will hear His gentle voice …“let Me lead”.
As others witnessed us on the dance floor I also realize that others are seeing the decisions I choose to make each day. Many decisions will be facing me in this coming year with graduation, job opportunities, potential suitors and endless parenting dilemmas. For the sake of my children, myself and those that are watching I need to be careful to allow God to direct and guide my every step. Throughout the song my dance partner stepped with me; I never took a step alone. God has also promised to be with me through every step of my life.
I am rather excited to begin this New Year always ready for an adventure. So now I will step into the arms of my God, feel the safeness of His embrace and sense the gracefulness of His guidance as He leads me through the dance of my life in this year.

I had no idea I would be remarried in a little over 3 months or that life would continue to be adventurous with amazing times of mountain top experiences and  painful valleys.

Today is January 1, 2016 and I have much to be grateful for as God has blessed me in so many ways and yes, He has allowed more pain and loss.  Yet He has remained God through it all and I have learned to trust more than I knew I even could looking back at who I was on this day only 13 years ago.

Should God so bless me with 13 more years on this earth I look forward to seeing how…and where…He will lead me asking only for His strength to follow.