In so many movies I become the main character or at the very least I bond with the emotion or struggles of the heroin. Tonight I travelled on the screen to China to live alongside Mulan. I loved witnessing the transformation of the power of living in truth. Mulan’s strength was diminished and weakened because she wasn’t living fully in the truth of who she truly was and hiding the gifts she was given. She was fully female and fully a warrior. She came to a crossroads and knew it was time to reveal the complete and total truth to her own heart and to those who had the power to destroy her.

I know I have struggled with my identity and maybe that is why I have so much fun and freedom in the true and make believe stories of women who find themselves and conquer fear or pain or loss. Stories like Rose floating on a Titanic door as Jack sank to the bottom of the ocean and found the strength to blow the whistle in her frozen mouth and live a long life beyond the trauma and loss.  Then there is Cinderella who doesn’t give up no matter how horrible she is treated and in the end gets to live forever in a castle with a king who recognizes her true beauty and worth beneath her ragged exterior. There is the true story of Queen Esther which has been my longtime heroin who revealed her Jewish ancestry at the risk of death to save her people. Just for fun and completely not true is my most recent heroin and strong fighter for justice; Wonder Woman!  She is the perfect blend of strength, beauty, innocence and fully living in the truth of who she was ‘created’ to be, at least by Hollywood.

Christina Aquilera sang the movie’s theme song, Reflection first 22 years ago and I only remember it 21 years ago on the radio and crying because my world was turned upside down and I was struggling to discover who I was.  I cried nearly every time it came on the radio back then and tonight as I hear it again over two decades later the tears fall again.  Though my hair is greying and I am a gramma I am still in the process of becoming who I am supposed to be and most days I do look in the mirror and wonder ‘who is that girl I see staring straight back at me’. Tonight as I looked up as the words were being so beautifully sung on my t.v. screen I saw our huge family mirror and to the right is a framed photo of a barely one year old ‘staring straight back at me’ and that little girl was me.  The photo was taken soon after arriving to my new foster family along with my older brother.

Today in 2020 I do not believe I am fully living in the truth of what I was created for. I so often hold back from what I truly want to say when I fully believe that what I should be saying is the truth that brings freedom. Words that I want to speak or write that I believe may bring hope yet fear of something…rejection or offending someone? 

 What is in a name? Mulan. Cinderella. Wonder woman. Queen Esther. I have always struggled with my name. I thought it plain and did not reflect my personality. Sue. Ann. I have wanted to be referred by the last name I was given in adoption because it seemed more fun and more reflective of the family I grew up in; Murphy.  I love in the Bible how people were given a new name when God revealed their destiny or calling. I have looked up my name in different languages finding one that I actually liked with Sue coming from Susan which came from the Hebrew word Shoshana. Ahh, now that is a pretty name, right? Shoshana.

 At least God knows exactly who I am and He knew the names I would be give whether through birth or adoption or marriage. The time is drawing nearer to where I will no longer be silent or hold back the truth to which I am called to speak.  Tonight I saw Mulan as a warrior kicking away arrows that were meant to kill others. Every day I see the ‘arrows’ of addiction as they pierce so many hearts, lives and families. I see arrows of lies. Arrows of deceit. Arrows named ‘abuse’. Arrows of violence.  I want to stop every one. I see fears of an unseen virus with so many willing to wear a mask yet seeing so many opening their lives and homes to drugs, alcohol, abuse, and hate and I have remained silent and people are hurting as the arrows continue to bring wounds, heartache and even death.

So, today with the help of the God who made me and gently spoke to me through a make believe movie and through a beautiful voice singing the song from 22 years ago. He is reminding me when I look in the mirror I will see that I reflect my Creator, my Savior and my Redeemer and I am to live and speak lovingly and courageously in that truth.  I was once lost and now I’m found.

 I may never be Wonder Woman, Queen Esther, Mulan, Cinderella or even Rose floating on a door in the ocean.   I am the little girl in the photo on my wall still in the process of becoming who I was created to be. And I am … Shoshanna.  Ok, fine. Just call me…

SuAnne